What to do when your brother sins against you…

Matthew 18:15, When your brother sins. Yeshua says that when your brother sins against you, you‘re to follow certain protocols to correct him in effort to restore him to spiritual relationship. Many people read this verse to mean that when your brother offends you or hurts your feelings, you’re to go to him. This is not what Yeshua is saying here. He says, if your brother sins against you. By biblical definition, sin is the violation of the law or Torah of Elohim (1 John 3:4). Therefore, if your brother lies to you, steals from you, or sexually violates your wife, you are to go to him, and possibly the church leaders — not if your brother offends you (hurts your feelings) in word or in deed. In this case, Yeshua instructs us elsewhere that we’re to turn the other cheek, pray for our enemies, bless and not curse, and do good to them.

Below is a further discussion on this topic. (Written by Sandi Lawrence)

Have you heard someone say that they are claiming their Matthew 18 rights because they have been offended by this or that person? It’s actually quite common and is often what is taught as how to handle offenses between brothers.

What are our Matthew 18 rights that we keep wanting to invoke? Let’s look at this section that keeps getting called out…

Matthew 18:15-17 (NASB) says…

“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

What does it address? Does this address if you are offended? Or does it address what to do if your brother is sinning; that is, he is going against Torah? Let’s not forget that the Bible defines sin as the violation of the Torah (1 John 3:4).

There is a common misappropriation of this instruction that every time we perceive that our brother (or sister) has offended us that we are to go and confront our brother about it. As an extreme (my opinion) but a real-life example, in our own congregation a couple brought to the elders that another man had tapped the husband on the opposite shoulder playfully and that it had been done too hard, so they were offended.

How are we ever to get along as a body when we keep invoking our non-existent Matthew 18 “rights”?

Let’s look at how we are to respond when our brother sins against us (not necessarily just upsets us for some reason or another):

“Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus *said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Matthew 1:21, 22, NAS95

“Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”” Luke 17:3, 4, NAS95.

“Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. “But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.” Mark 11:25, 26, NAS95.

Often I have observed that when folks leave a congregation, usually in a huff, or when they are often upset and offended by others, that their spirit of offense is rooted in unforgiveness and lack of humility. Society teaches us to look out for “me”. Self is lifted up in importance and put before all others, and this is the real basis for squabbles and offense. Paul addresses this in his letter to the believers in Philippi:

“Therefore if there is any encouragement in Messiah, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Messiah Yeshua, who, although He existed in the form of Elohim, did not regard equality with Elohim a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, Elohim highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Yeshua EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Yeshua HaMashiach is Master, to the glory of Elohim the Father.

So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is Elohim who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of Elohim above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Messiah I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain. But even if I am being poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrifice and service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with you all. You too, I urge you, rejoice in the same way and share your joy with me.” Philippians 2:1-18, NAS95.

And even with those not in the body, Yeshua instructs us in Matthew 5:38–39:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.

In today’s language, it might be said to just let it roll off your back or to just shine it on. And he continues:

“If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. “Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. “Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? “If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:40–48

Here’s what we are to do:

We are not to take offense, but to forgive.

Paul strove to not have offense toward men: “But this I confess to you, that according to the Way which they call a sect, so I worship the God of my fathers, believing all things which are written in the Law and in the Prophets. I have hope in God, which they themselves also accept, that there will be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and the unjust. This being so, I myself always strive to have a conscience without offense toward God and men.” Acts 24:14-16, NKJV.

We are also not to be offensive (to be the ones offending) to our brothers/sisters (Matthew 17:27; Luke 17:1-4; Romans 14:1-15:6; 1 Corinthians 8:13).

We are not to take on the offenses of others.

If you search the Scripture, you will find that Yeshua never took offense for what others did to him. He was only angry at others’ actions when they offended the Father. His focus (just like ours should be) was on Elohim and his instruction. Yeshua did not focus on the violence or angry words that were shot against him. Instead he prayed for those who attacked him. If we, as believers, can turn our focus upward instead of inward, we can be free from the slings and arrows of mean people. There is a unique kind of freedom that comes with deciding not to allow the hurtful words and mean actions of others to control us (http://www.acadc.org/page/page/5559472.htm).

In 1 Peter 2:23, it says of Yeshua, “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly” (NIV). Once we learn that it is not up to us to correct and manage the world, we can be free from many of the chains that bind us and keep us in emotional turmoil. It is only in trusting Elohim and his promises (over 2000 given to each and every one of us in His inspired Word) that those who are easily upset by others can be set free. Yeshua himself said, “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28, NIV). So how can we be so quick to take offense at what others might do or say to us? Encourage others to hear Yeshua’s words, model his actions and avoid the trap of ‘self’ by taking personal offense (ibid.)

Let’s not forget that the Scriptures teach us that vengeance belongs to YHVH and is not ours to take.

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:14-21, NAS95

Spiritual leaders (e.g., pastors or shepherds) have different responsibilities than do the sheep (congregates).

“Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing. And we urge you, brethren, to recognize those who labor among you, and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. Be at peace among yourselves. Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11-15, NKJV.

As mature believers, we are to evidence the Fruits of the Spirit in us (relate to Col 3:12-17) and in how we treat each other (this means loving one another and fulfillment of Torah):

“So, as those who have been chosen of Elohim, set-apart and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Messiah rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Messiah richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to Elohim. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Master Yeshua, giving thanks through Him to Elohim the Father.” Colossians 3:12-17, NAS95.

When we get offended, in reality, it’s all about us, our feelings and our pride. It should be about us putting down of carnal self and making it all about YHVH/Yeshua. Scripture teaches that the humble will be exalted and pride is a distasteful thing, leading to sin and destruction.

 

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